Thursday, June 12, 2008

FAQs, vol. 3

Q: I'm planning a trip to Alaska, but don't want to look all "touristy". What can I do to blend in and look more like a "Sourdough".

A. What a great question! First of all, good job using the word "sourdough". You are well on your way. Besides that, here are some other things.

1. Be a guy. There are not many women here, and you will immediately stand out if you are a woman unless you are either married, a biologist, or an Eskimo.

2. Don't be from Australia. For some reason, nearly every well-to-do Australian seems to end up in Alaska at some point for a vacation. Being Australian is dead giveaway that you are a tourist.

3. Wear Carhartts. Sure, people wear them in other places, but not like they do here. You would do well to wear Carhartt pants (esp. with reinforced front panel), A Carhartt jacket, and a Carhartt cap. There are even Carhartt socks, if you are worried that you will be examined that closely.

4. Talk about moose hunting. All the time. Ask people if they "got their moose". Ask the men and women (should you run into any) this.

5. NEVER be seen hiking without a handgun visibly holstered on your person. Don't let anyone tell you that bear mace is statistically much more effective at deterring bear maulings. It may be true but don't let anyone tell you that, Damnit.

6. In fact, ignore all advice. Even good advice.

7. Speaking of bear attacks, assume the attitude of an expert in everything related to bears. Even if you've never seen one in the wild, repeat everything, no matter how ridiculous, that you have ever heard about bears (see #6).

8. If anyone brings up anything related to Chris McCandless or Timothy Treadwell, express disgust for the amateurish ignorance of Alaska that killed both of them.

Follow these 8 tips and you will blend right in, be invited to salmon bakes, moose hunts, ice fishing trips, and bush plane rides. Good luck!


Laverna said...

Looks like the only thing I've got going for me is that I'm not Australian . . . and I am married.

linny said...

I had to Google "Carhartts". That's not a good sign is it?

Michelle 2021 said...

My in-laws are serious Carhartts folks and I had never heard of them before either. They are very sturdy, though. My friend asked me where she could buy some of the pants with the double-paneled knees for her four year old, and I unfortunately have not found any that small yet. But a good idea.

Does wearing plaid help or hurt the hiding tourist?

T.R. said...

RE: Plaid.

What a great question! (Yes, I do tell everyone that, but it doesn't mean that it isn't true.) Wearing plaid does help, as long as you refer to a plaid shirt as a flanel. Even if it is clearly made of wool or acrylic. Flanels go well with Carhartts.